Full disclosure: I haven’t regularly watched a TV cop show since Miami Vice. I loved that show and I even loved the 2006 feature film directed by series co-creator Michael Mann. I appreciated the fact that Mann successfully transposed the concept to the current era rather than simply doing a ‘80s “period piece.” For many fans of the show, taking Vice out of its original context was a buzz kill. For me, it reaffirmed what originally drew me to the show: it was cutting edge neo-noir. To me, it still “felt” like Miami Vice, updated. Something new, which was the appeal of the series.

The original Hawaii Five-O (God, I hate having to say that now), which debuted on September 20, 1968, is another of my favorite cop shows. But unlike Vice, it wasn’t particularly innovative, either visually or structurally. Other than the iconic theme music (by Morton Stevens) and outstanding location shooting (mostly Oahu, with side trips to the other islands and occasionally the mainland, though the show was entirely filmed in Hawaii), there was nothing special about it. It was based on a premise initially entitled The Man by series creator Leonard Freeman, who decided to give his cop show concept a colorful background by moving the production to the Islands.
So why did it last twelve seasons, the longest running show of its kind until Law and Order broke its record? Two words: Jack Lord. As Steve McGarrett, he was confidently charismatic, effortlessly cool, he never broke a sweat even while wearing a suit and tie in balmy heat, and his legendary pompadour was as unshakable as his sense of justice. The man was not only tough as nails and honorable as a saint, but he was psychic. Just when you thought the case was wrapped up, McGarrett would get a “hunch” that something was “missing,” smell a frame job, and next thing you know, the real culprit is apprehended. “Book ‘em, Danno, Murder One,” aimed at his junior partner Danny Williams (James MacArthur) remains one of the most famous catch phrases in TV history. Why even try to do it again? Same answer for most remakes of successful franchise: the heavy lifting has already been done. There was talk of a feature film for years, which I thought would be cool, moving the action to the big screen which would limit comparisons simply because it’s a different medium. But despite many sincere attempts, nothing ever came of the many efforts to revive Five-O as a feature film.

Flash forward 42 years (!) to September 20, 2010: Hawaii Five-O debuts on the tube again, this time with Aussie actor Alex O'Loughlin as much younger, “hipper” in carnation of McGarrett; Scott Caan (obviously son of James, right down to the mannerisms) as Danny “Danno” Williams; and Daniel Dae Kim (Lost) as Chin Ho Kelly (originally played by Kam Fong.) Kono Kalakaua, originally played by Gilbert Lani "Zulu" Kauhi, has been reborn as a butt-kicking babe (Grace Park). Now, I have no problem with updating a successful concept and reinventing it for a new generation, as long as it does justice to the original. Sometimes it works (King Kong, 2005; Star Trek, 2009), sometimes it doesn’t (Godzilla, 1998; Ocean’s Eleven, 2001.) It depends on how smoothly the original qualities of the source material translate to a totally different milieu. Though naturally skeptical, I was open minded to this remake, and even cautiously optimistic when the producers hired several of the original musicians to re-record the theme song (though sped up, natch.) The opening credits, previewed online, definitely pay homage to one of the most memorable sequences in TV history. But then, sadly if predictably, it surfs straight downhill from there. It could somehow subsequently find its own rhythm in future episodes, but the pilot really left me cold, despite the authentic Hawaiian sunlight.

The producers of the remake claimed what unimaginative filmmakers always claim: we’re doing our own thing, inspired by the previous piece, but totally reinvented, not simply regurgitating something that worked before in a different context. That’s a steaming pile of Spam. The only reason I (and millions of others) bothered to tune in to this strictly routine cop show was because it was called Hawaii Five-O. I thought at least they’d get the scenery right. But other than some quick-cut establishing shots set to incongruous hip-hop, it may as well have been filmed in San Pedro, CA (where The Man was initially to take place). Unlike the original, there wasn’t any sense in the remake that we were being transported to a dangerous tropical paradise. The new pilot not only doesn’t feel like Hawaii Five-O, it doesn’t even feel like Hawaii, and I’ve been there, twice. No cool bars or out-of-the-way spots or swanky hotels or rambling ranch-style residences or awesome beachside spreads or funky little dives—just aerial shots of beaches and not many at that. The incidental music is dull, the acting is competent but nothing special, the writing tries to be both hard-boiled and witty but falls flat, the storyline was just plain dull. The ballyhooed attempts at establishing back-stories for the characters (which remained relatively unexplored in the ‘70s version) seem forced and uninspired. The situations and set-ups are incredibly trite, given the modern makeover: McGarrett wants revenge for his murdered father, the Governor wants to form a special task force to fight crime, McGarrett and Danno initially bicker in typical burgeoning buddy cop fashion, Danno has domestic issues, Chin Ho is suspected of taking bribes, “we don’t negotiate with terrorists,” Kono gets made as a cop while undercover and the eavesdropping crew bursts in blazing, blah blah blah. This “update” of Five-O can’t be blamed for trying to creatively milk this cash-coconut, but it commits the serious offense of being boring. It won’t last long enough to muddy the influential legacy of the legend. It’s basically CSI: Honolulu. Yawn. If they really wanted to do something both interesting and successful, they would’ve simply updated not only the concept, but changed the identities of the lead characters, so O’Loughlin wouldn’t even have to step in his predecessor’s shiny shoes; he could develop his own unique character that happens to belong to a latter day incarnation of the same unit. They could reference the first show as part of its lineage (as Magnum P.I. did). Stephen Cannell’s unaired 1996 remake pilot at least introduced some new characters (Gary Busey portrayed the new Five-O Commander, alongside Russell Wong, with James MacArthur returning, this time as the Governor.) But I guess asking today’s network execs to actually invent something new is asking too much.

“Book ‘em, Danno.” Somehow, when O’Louglin says it in ironic smart-ass fashion to Caan, it just doesn’t ring true, sort of like when Pierce Brosnan said, “My name is Bond—James Bond.” There’s only one Sean Connery, and there’s only one Jack Lord. The good news is the original and only Hawaii Five-O is being systematically reissued on DVD. As of this writing, the first nine seasons have been released. Be there. Aloha.

Watch past episodes of Hawaii Five-O 2010 online at http://www.cbs.com/primetime/hawaii_five_0/

Will "The Thrill" Viharo is a freelance writer, host of the film series “Forbidden Thrills” at Forbidden Island Tiki Lounge, and creator of the long running cult movie cabaret “Thrillville.” He lives in Alameda, CA with his wife Monica “Tiki Goddess” Cortes and their two cats. His pulp novels “A Mermaid Drowns in the Midnight Lounge,” "Chumpy Walnut," and "Down a Dark Alley" are now available at http://stores.lulu.com/willviharo For more please surf over to www.thrillville.net